Working

Today I went to work at a coffee shop. It was really, really, really hard. It reminded me that my marriage is all over…that my previous life is all over…that I’m on a different track.

I’m no longer on the track of a philanthropic house wife. I got used to it. I really did. I have shame about that. I’m embarrassed about not-working. I was really good at it.

I went to work today and it was humbling. Staring at my peers from behind a restaurant counter with a drive-thru headset on levels the ego. Not being twenty and in college sets me apart from the other baristas. This makes me feel like a loser. Like I’m supposed to be a receptionist even though it pays less.

Whatever I focus on gets bigger. Today I will focus on the space the happened after work. When I got clocked out and got to my car, there was a flood of relief. “It’s over,” I thought. “It’s finally over. It lasted forever. It was never going to end, but it finally ended.” There is some trauma transference happening on the job, but I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why I feel trapped when I’m there. I don’t know why everything gets foggy and my brain freezes up.

Don’t you know I’m a hairdresser? A wedding photographer? The founder of a non-profit? Don’t you know how important and capable I am? Why am I stuck here? Why am I pinned underneath it? What is it, anyway? Why won’t it go away? Why does it keep me down? When will it be gone? I want to be free.

That’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning - to be free. Anytime I’m anywhere I want out. How do I teach my body I’m unbound?