It's been over two months since my last post. A lot of healing has happened. This EMDR shit is the real deal. I can see how people without a few years of sobriety under their belt could really go nuts if someone tries to push them into it. If I didn't have the financial stability, a supportive and stable husband, and a reliable home life, I don't think I'd have made it this far without going crazy.
In the beginning, I thought EMDR was for everyone...I think everything I like it for everyone...but after a while, when things started getting really dark and confusing, I changed my mind. EMDR is for people who have the support of a safe community, tools to "stay in today," and a regular practice of constructive mental and emotional processing. Trauma work can be difficult sometimes...or a lot of the time...but boy, has it been worth it.
I'm going to use this post to write about the positive things that have happened since I've started EMDR so I remember it’s worth it when times get tough:
1. I no longer have "divorce attacks," where I wonder if I am sinning or "out of God's will" for being married to a really nice man even though we hardly ever have sex...which, actually, I've come to enjoy. Sex is overrated. Lots of happy couples don't have sex. And I know it’s true because my therapist said so, and she's not the "lie to make you feel better" type. I’m relieved to say the PTSD symptoms that infected my marriage subside as the long-age religious and familial trauma is addressed. Who knew old baggage could reincarnat into new neurosis?
2. I am wearing makeup and "getting ready" almost everyday. This is a huge marker of success for me...the fact that I'm 140 pounds and still taking care of myself is a miracle. My previous thought pattern was: Rachel, if you're ten pounds overweight and not super fit, why would you even try or care? Nothing counts if you have excess flab. And now I can tell that old thought: I get ready and do my best because I have worth and I'm allowed to like myself and I'm still kinda cute even if I don't look like a supermodel. And who cares about supermodels? Also, Voice, you're a mean, controlling cunt-faced bitch who is totally wrong. Yup, WRONG! WATCH me think I'm awesome. There, take that! Treating all these old memories with EMDR is literally eliminating my depression.
3. Even though I'm 10 pounds overweight, I don't think my body is the embodiment of evil or badness. And I don't think taking up space in the world makes me a burden. And I don't feel the need to "stay small" to protect the universe from my existence. And I don't fear being dangerous or causing people to suffer simply for existing. This is also a miracle. A serious miracle. I feel like I can spread my wings and be who I am, and I don't feel like I need to suppress my wants or needs. The shame and guilt I have for having been born is starting to crack. Fuck yes.
4. A lot of what I call my "hypochondriatic" thoughts are gone. When I hit something that's big in EMDR, they do come flooding back with a bunch of body pain, but I just let it ride out instead of wondering, "What's wrong with me? Do I have fibromyalgia? Do I have EDS? Is my scoliosis getting worse? Maybe it's the TMJ affecting my hips. Maybe it's my hypothyroid of adrenal fatigue. Maybe I'm allergic to oxygen. Should I use the estrogen or testosterone supplements to feel different or fix it? Something is wrong and I'll never find out what it is - I'll be stuck in this discomfort forever!" Now, when all the body pain, joint aches, and depressive brain-fog revisits with avengence, I just say, "Well, everyone has bad days sometimes. And you might be in pain today. And you probably can't feel troublesome pain in your emotional storage bank so your body feels them instead. It's somatic. And oh well, Rach, it will pass eventually. Maybe it will take a few days, weeks, or months, but eventually it subsides." Sometimes I wonder if this panicky hypervigilence that comes over me parallels the fears for Hell I had as a kid...the dread of being trapped in suffering for eternity. Or the wooden spoon. Churchy peeps know about “The Wooden Spoon.”
5. The wounds of evangelicalism have become so much crispier and identifiable. I can now see how a lot of pain I experienced in my family was a direct result of popular parenting tactics condoned by well-respected Christian organizations in the 1980’s and 90’s. My parents were very conscientious...they were good parents, and that was the problem. The sexual trauma, learned helplessness, and compulsive need to “find my purpose” was pretty inevitable. Rigid fundamentalist culture wasn’t just at church - it’s was at home, too. I had two caregivers that (as far as I understand) were handicapped with a sin-based identity and a real belief in Hell; this has given me a new perspective on family dysfunction as a whole. I now see their focus with obedience and submission as a hereditary disease...one that is passed on from one generation to next.