Hey Rach, you matter. You can do it. You’re capable. Don’t believe all that old shit. Things can change if you make them change. When you try now, it actually makes a difference. Effort counts, action counts; it’s different than before.
EMDR and Getting Better
Soul Sisters Forever
When Your Brain Thinks You Married Your Dad
My therapist gave me an assignment: I'm supposed to write about all the ways my husband and my father are similar - even if only in my imagination - so I can do EMDR on the emotional "ickiness" I feel around Husband when addressing this emotional Father-Figure work* (also known as The Black Cloud). Poor Husband, just an innocent victim of circumstance, sexually assassinated in the land of Rachel's Trauma-Brain.
Getting the Old Anger Out - The Black Cloud of Oppression Must Die
This means the trauma is not really about my dad specifically, but the collective father-ish archetypes of my past. It’s what I like to call: The Black Cloud. My memories of Patriarchy-Gone-Bad mush together into a Icky Black Smoke symbolizing dominance and silencing. It wants me to suppress myself and keep me submissive to its desires.
About Relapse, Trauma, & Outside Help
Oh Cody, I Totally Get You, Bro - Thanks WNYC
When Shame Is All Like “Haha, I Win!” So Dumb.
Ghetto Bully.
Air Hunger is a Thing
Biblitopia - Sex Ed & Wolverine Nipples
Tampax Lied. Your Life Is Over.
I’m 12 Pounds Overweight & Not Famous
Sparkling Results - The Art of Pretending You Don’t Hate Yourself
Sometimes, when I feel like a black cloud of disgust, I trick myself into dressing like an adult instead of hiding in oversized sweatshirts and pants from Walmart by asking: What would someone with an overgrown self-esteem do? This forces me to blow dry my hair, put on mascara, and floss. Surprisingly, when I don’t dress like person experiencing homelessness, I tend to feel a little more “sparkly.”
Enjoy the Freedom of Being Totally Insignificant - My Current Conception of “God”
The Tao Te Ching - as translated by Stephen Mitchell - truly brought me home. It gave me a foundation upon which to heal from past spiritual abuse. When I use the term God today, I am not referring to an anthropomorphic power or personified diety. I am referring to the egoless Life Force that glows from within each of us, but is also beyond all of us.
Rachel & Fundamentalism Made Ugly Babies - The Other Evolution of God
A Gratitude Deficiency - What it's Like Being the Laziest Woman in the World
Oops - That One Time I Accidentally Ruined My Life
Spiritual Vanity - A Guide for Seriously Uncool People
I have this automatic fantasy that tricks me into thinking I can be more pure, more clean, or more "spiritual" if I do or don't do certain things...if my body looks or doesn't look a certain way. In these moments, it never occurs to me that I am seeking self-acceptance, a sense of Ok-ness, an inner-knowing that I'm one with the Universe. I don't know how "personal growth" and "vainly enhancing my image" get mixed up for me.
I am Rachel, Sunrise Mountain Lion.
"Not-measuring-up" is one of my specialties. What I'm not good at is accepting my humanity and life's realities without truck-loads of abusive mental commentary. Because of this, I am practicing not having a perfect body, perfect sobriety, perfect spirituality, perfect image, or painless experience...and liking it.