“Only in art will the lion lie down with the lamb, and the rose grow without thorn.”
I binged on sugar last night. I have to own it, shamelessly, or I will suffer. Yes, I will suffer; not because of some superstitious belief that secrets are bad, but because the shame of living two lives is less bearable than accepting an imperfect one. One imperfect one.
I chose the domain lioness.one because I am learning courage, and living one life. I'm learning these things by practicing them...I've not found another way to truly know something.
"Not-measuring-up" is one of my specialties. What I'm not good at is accepting my humanity and life's realities without truck-loads of abusive mental commentary. Because of this, I am practicing not having a perfect body, perfect sobriety, perfect spirituality, perfect image, or painless experience...and liking it.
Instead of allowing my brain to ruin my life, I'm asking myself questions like: What is perfection? What is good or right or acceptable? What is my measuring tape? Why is there a yardstick in the first place? Why does self-acceptance feel so dirty and frightening? Didn't I do all this emotional work years ago? What the fuck, dude?
I wish I was less egocentric, less narcissistic, but I'm not. Having to accept that I look like the Rachel, and eat like Rachel, and breathe like Rachel...it's uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable to my superego*...to the part of me that would rather be envied than happy. It troubles the insatiable perfection-seeking voice in my brain (gawd, she is such a bitch).
*badass video about id, ego, and superego - jump to minute 3:51
Everyone has one, I assume - an abusively critical mental voice that beats them into a state of having pathetically low self-esteem, "just because." Mine is the perfect mix of all the maladjusted authority figures I've ever met or seen on TV. And this is why nothing I do is every enough, this is why my micro-failures are in macro-focus. I've named this parasitic voice "Raquel." She'll never be satisfied with regularity. She is a shaming, self-absorbed, thankless dictator who must be silenced for my sanity. My whole life journey basically comes down to remembering that I am not who this voice thinks I am - I am Rachel, Sunrise Mountain Lion.
I am Ok, I am just fine. I am Sunrise Mountain Lion, and this is my roar.